darkflareon

Ran

Fan

I supose this is more of a welcom back then a welcom then

-Flareon

I think this is a great start to what should be a well know story to us all.

I can imagen that if continued this way a lot more reserch would need to go into the wrinting of this to keep it acurate. I can't wait to see how ths goes and hope that things arn't to difficult to contiue in the same highe standard start.

I do relise that this is a prolouge so dosnt neccerceraly need to be exiting, but the start did seem slightly slow off the mark, as I said though this could just be because it is a prolouge.

-Flareon

Its a really good start and great way of explaining the basis of what is haperning.

I do think however that there could have been a little more detail to entice the reader.

I shall be waiting for the next part.

-Flareon

Pssst, I know the new couple

Then humor me and guess.

-Flareon

Welcome to the site.

As has been said there are plently of friendly amazing people that are up for great games.

I hope you are able to find the type of people you are hoping for, I'm sure you will as there are plently to choose from. But most of all make sure you enjoy the site and the other social aspects.

-Flareon

I am a new member so havn't really seen you around but am looking foward to seeing you around the site.

There is now a forum couple though, I wonder if you can guess who

-Flareon

This has taken me ages to read but I loved every moment. I can't think of any way to improve this it was and is amazing.

-Flareon

Welcome and I hope you enjoy the site as much as I am able to.

-Flareon

Welcome to the site. I'm new so still working things out but everyone is really friendly and if you have any questions just ask and someone will be able help out.

-Flareon

Are there threads explaning these kind of things else where because if not I do think it will be a great idea for new people (suggested above) as I really needed help with these things.

-Flareon

Part 4

Arthur watched as Florence began to shake, she knew the anger that was coming, she had felt it before. The footfalls in the hallway were slower than usual, heavier to. As they approached the door Arthur stood up. He realised that he couldn’t stop the man he was about to face but just maybe he could make him see sense. He had no hope.

As Arthur faced the man he realised this, the man’s eyes had clouded over just like his vision had earlier. The rage that was going through his body now was unstoppable. He barrelled into Arthur sending him flying across the room and crashing into the bookshelf. Florence had stopped shaking now and was curled frozen too scared to defend herself. He simply brought his hand across her face. The force however knocked her out cold and she crumpled to the floor.

Arthur now stood back up though. He could feel the blood pumping down his arms and through his legs if there was a moment to take Florence’s revenge. He wanted blood, and he was going to get it. His eyes fogged over as had happened earlier his mind began to fade. He ran into the other man no forcing him over a chair. As he moved across the room Arthur felt himself disappearing and instinct began to take over along with so much rage.

In a cat like stance he assessed his pray then without hesitation He leaped over the chair. Forcing his knees into the chest ribs were shattered tearing through the lungs allowing blood to pour into them. As the victim started to cough up blood punches were driven into his face shattering bones tearing the skin open the dwindling mind Arthur watched as the blood pooled over his hand forming swirls as first before turning into a slid mass. He looked down at his work. The face below was unrecognisable. The man it belonged to could barley breath. A strange pleasure ran through the man that once was Arthur.

The last of his humanity drained away along with the life of his victim.

Part 3

Quickly Florence allowed Arthur in, hoping he hadn’t been seen by her partner already. She limped over to the small arm chair sitting down properly for the first time since her injury.

Arthur had been fighting anger all morning and felt the surge rush through his body, his vision even started to cloud over. Realising this wouldn’t get him anywhere; Arthur took several deep breaths allowing his pulse to calm and the fog to clear before going to sit on his usual sofa.

Arthur had been coming to see Florence for years ever since she and her live in monster, as he preferred to refer to her partner, moved in. He had tried to come round while he had still been in once; he was shown the door abruptly. Bumping into Florence taking out the rubbish one day however Arthur realised how amazing she was. He would have given anything to have a girl like this adore him; he knew this was what infuriated him most about her treatment. He wanted her and he couldn’t have her so had to watch as she was broken again and again.

He tried to persuade her to go to the police but her fear remained just as solid. He had terrified her from the start and now wasn’t any different. Arthur watched with a pained expression as she made light of her troubles engaging herself in his life. He was finally pushed and the cascade of the week’s events fell into place. She never missed a detail to question, a story untold or slit embarrassment that would make her giggle but allow him to move on.

A lot had happened that week as Arthur had been promoted in work this left them chattering a lot longer than they should. Before Florence noticed the time, before Arthur left there was the definitive noise of a key in a lock. But no one in the house heard. There was the opening of the door that remained unheard to. The conversation in the lounge hadn’t though.

As the door shut the voices died instantly.

Again a good bit of story. I do think it might be a better idea though to keep it all in one thread or some of it could get seperated and so lost.

Another point I think you really need to do is space out the conversations, I fund it difficult to keep track of which character was talking where. I also think there still hasnt been much in the way of character building, a story in small parts should have this early on.

Looking foward to see how this turns out.

-Flareon

I think that in this section you have fallen into one of the traps that I do as well, it is the trap of trying to pack too much action into a very short amount of writing. There is such potential with these new characters but because there is barly any description it isn't quite reached.

I think with more description this section could be alot better and alot more reveling.

I do like how this story is going and look forward to seeing where you take it next.

-Flareon

Darkjolton/Flareon-Overnight sensation in the UK after winning Bristish got talent with couples tap dancing. Four kids name Jay, Paolo, Way, and Nick.

You have now decided our fisrt two suns names according to Jolteon they shall be:

Paolo Jay Gower-Lacey

Nick Way Gower-Lacey

I'm not sure wether this is a good thing or not becaue who knows wether jolteon will hold to this suggestion. My guess is he will

-Flareon

This is my prequel to my other short story lost souls. I am hoping for this one to be longer and for it to address the writing adjustments suggested in comments to the first. I shall be posting in parts and I hope you enjo

Part 1

As he entered the house silence seemed to fall. All movement stopped from the timid dog, that, moments before had been happily chasing the rattling ball which was muffled by the carpet. Through the door to the other room a flickering light could be seen as the television still danced though the noise had fallen to what was now a whisper.

The woman was curled in the chair. Her fear enhancing the man’s every move. The clattering of the keys on the small table in the hall became a thunderous bang as if a bomb had exploded a few houses over. The woman flinched wanting to run screaming but too afraid to leave. He entered the room where she was cowering.

The thuds of his feet hammered into her ears shaking her whole body.

“Honey I’m home” the dark whisper echoed through the house. Its only response was the small whimpering of the dog.

Part 2

His hands ran over the woman’s shoulders as she shivered to his touch. Wanting to pull away but knowing the beating she would get if she tried. Very calmly and slowly, allowing himself time to relish the moment the, man lifted the female he called his partner from the chair she was by the neck throwing her to the ground.

As she hit the floor her knee jerked. The following crack sent spasms of pain up her leg filling her eyes with tears. She tried to stand up but the broken cartilage could hold her weight. She hulled herself across the room to where she kept her first aid kit and began patching up her injury.

The evening continued like this until she was finally allowed to crawl into her bed. This was a camping mat with a sheet provided for a duvet. Not much but better then what would happen if she tried sleeping in the double bed her partner slept in.

The next day she was dragged out of bed to limp around in the **** please report this topic, post **** and make her partner breakfast. Before he stormed out of the house to work, he glowered at his partner remarking how dull her skin was. Unable to control herself any longer she fell to the floor floods of tears soaking her top and blotching her cheeks. Just before her sobs became uncontrollable there was a gentle knock at the door.

As she answered it Florence saw the welcoming face of her only friend, Arthur.

I have posted two parts here as they are both fairly short.

It is a great start to what is a pertentally facinating story.

I do think the chunck where the two characters meet is rather short and confusing. I think spacing that bit out alittle more with a little more reactions to whats being said would help.

Hope the other parts are coming soon

-Flareon

Another thrilling and enticing chapter. It's all written so well I cannot wait untill you post more.

I really like how the start of the whole endemic is being reveled slowly in the for of a log by one of the drillees. This means that suspence for the currently surviving characters, but leave questions for what is going to happen that causes such destruction in the first place, who is it that gave the warning about the power.

POST MORE !!!!!!!

-Flareon

I think this is well written and think it really catches the reader. I do think however that the speed that people caught onto what was happerning with no knowlege prior to this (I am being picky here as I found no falts with the first chapter and do myself apriciate the feed back). My other point is that there is no sympathy built up for the characteady lost already. This may be purpasful as they arnt the main focuse but the lack of focus on the loss of life can dose seem as if the characters were just there (again me being picky).

Enough with the negative though I think that if contined well this could turn of to be a great read. Keep up the posting

-Flareon

This is a great capturing start. The characters aare really well intrduced. I cant wait to find out what is going to happen.

I really hope you post more soon.

-Flareon

A late welcome to you. Sure most of the sites aspects have been worked out but if not I know all staff members are happy to help.

-Flareon

This is amazing. It reads how a published book would read and I really whis there was more already. I can't think of any way to improve this it great and I'm looking foward to the rest.

You had better post more :evil:

-Flareon

It's good.

I do think that to give any acurate feedback there needs to be more but if the plan is to continue it I look foward to reading the rest.

-Flareon