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The Meh


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Hey, guys.


Y'know, I ought to be adamant to asking why "Deep Thought" was shifted to regular "Off-Topic". That's like a sacred violation. You don't desecrate hollow grounds. Or... something like that. I think part of me was trying to make a Prince of Egypt reference... regardless.


This is a post I feel is a necessary topic to be had - whether or not it really matters. Given the recent timeframe of events and the thinking I've done to amend for it, I... felt the need to share and introspectively accept it all... so I can help myself move forward. If I'm being frank, a lot of these "deeper" posts I write have helped in some way - be it to evaluate my introversion, or call towards becoming a positive change, they are important to me because they give me a better idea of my own personal values - the core of myself, the why of me. It tells me how I've grown from the years I've lived and experiences I've had.


That said, the experiences I've had in the last couple of weeks have told me I've got a lot more to learn.


It's all going to sound rather "elementary"-esque, but... my first real relationship experience happened over the course of the last week... and it was a really interesting experience to have, if not the most "emotional" I've ever felt. For the first time in a long time, I let my emotions guide me along, and I let myself fall for someone in my trade (for those who don't know, I'm at a trade school learning Commercial Printing). That... actually led somewhere, whereas the usual paths led away from that.


It's an incredibly TL;DR wording, but I think it best I respect the anonymity of myself and those surrounding the area around my life and not delve deeper than this. If anything, though... I thought it was a rather cutesy situation. It started as sharing around musicals (i.e. "The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals", chiefly), then watching movies together... and it just kind of felt right. Perhaps it was rushed, perhaps I was too excited, but I felt like the moments were right, and that I found the right person for me. Which... doesn't really happen for me, so I genuinely thought I had something going. That said, it lasted like five days. Call me melodramatic, but... you have to understand my mindset at that point. I was excited. I was happy. I wanted to pursue this... but I was also insecure about my actions, and I worried if little things I did would end up screwing things up. At the current, I don't really know if they did - but that isn't exactly the point.


A sadness can pierce the heart with thick, venomous tendrils - and... when things went the way they did... I cracked a bit under the sheer weight and pain from being struck. I kind of recessed a little - my introversion kicked back in, my doubt and depression I had believed I'd been able to surpass ages ago, it came back to me. I'd... be remiss if I were to tell you I'm not still dealing, still healing from it, but... I felt like I was out of commission at that point. A walking robotic man, making the motions of the day and moving along, focus elsewhere, with a head clouded. I... very much regressed a bit.

...and maybe that's just the person I am, sometimes, y'know? I'm a semi-fragile human, and I'm prone to being manic and all the same torn from that state.


I took the days after this - and up to the current - and I've been thinking. Hard. Trying to amend, heal... talk, sometimes, but... mostly think. Taking walks around the school. Looking off from the docks to the water, nearly infinite if not for the land alongside and to its ends on the horizon... and I think, in doing so, I'm beginning to realize a lot more about how things are - and how I am as a part of it.


Love, as a concept, is fickle. It takes... time. Effort. The right set of emotions and the right mindsets. The right people, and the right moments. Love is as much a passion as it is a harness we use to make ourselves feel human. We choose to find companionship because we wish to never feel alone, to feel as though, just maybe, hopefully, there's someone on the same wavelength as ourselves. We need people who get us and want to be with us for us. It's a process, as is each facet of the life we control... and we must work with it. You can't rush into things, blindly, hoping they work. You need to take them slow.


...and, y'know, maybe there's other people if the person you thought would make you happy doesn't fall on the same lines as you. The world is vast - the person you're seeking in life could be anywhere. All it's ever taken is a look. There's a vast sea of people, just as emotive and creative, just as interesting and the like, and you need the initiative to find those people in life.


Pure happiness doesn't just come from where you want yourself to be, sometimes. It comes from where you want to be, both with yourself and another.


...it makes me hopeful to think on this kind of level, truly.


I think a part of me is hoping to amend further. Make this little spark burn again. I still really like this person... and strongly enough where I still have few emotions to compare it to. I want to make a relationship like this work. I want to stay hopeful about where I can go from here... and, if this doesn't work... well, I'm willing to accept it.


Someone's still out there.


Per aspera ad astra.

-The Meh

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I don't really know what to say concerning this topic. Love is something that cannot be explained in words, its rather a ball of emotion, good or bad, trapped in your heart. Experiencing it makes you realize a there is whole different meaning of 'feeling'. For me it is been almost a year now, and I still think about her occasionaly. Today, upon waking up, I put on a sweater that she stole so many times from me and put on herself, which made me think about her again. Later, I turned on the radio and by change heard songs of Coldplay and Bastille, both songs I can remember we sung along together one day, one sunny, happy day. That being said, I have found peace with it. When I think about her, I do so in a happy way and wherever she is, I hope she is alright and reminds me as the guy I initially was, rather than the mental wreckage I turned in later. 


The worst way to process a heartbreak is most likely watching Netflix series and such. Doing sports, walking outside in the fresh autumn air or sit with friends, talking about among others this subject, will certainly help. I remember when I was in this shit, we just had some basic neurology. I tried to break down the neurons that made me feel so emotionally about her as much as possibly by restricting me to not think about her, similar how one can unlearn playing piano by don't play for a long time. A kinda extreme meassurement, and I'm not even sure if it helped. Just me trying to search sciencific help. But love isn't science, and cannot be explained with it either.


All in all, I can say now that I am happy to have experienced that time with her. Thankfully to her. Not only was it a nice period, the heartbreak made me a better person. I guess I remained the same person here on the Forums more or less, but I really changed (in the good way, so it feels). I genuinely feel better about myself now, better than before the relation and heartbreak. I know your days are dark and grim now, but it eventually might turn brighter than before. Stay awesome, friend, and thank you for sharing this. You're so much better in defining something in words, and I can see so much of myself in your post.

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I’ve never hated never felt so sad never been happier or as joyous with some one. This person pushed me to the edge frustration and pulled me to the center of attention. Like magnets we are complete opposites but for every weakness is a strength.

I’ve never cried also never laughed as hard with any one until this woman. 

intimacy isn’t a baseline for our love is much more. 
We have a child together and it’s almost been 10 years. 
Ive learned how to put someone else’s needs before my own. 

If we’re all hungry 

my daughter is first to be fed. 

The woman I love is my soul mate and my best friend.046FA9B6-21F2-463A-A077-7517F0AC4FCB.jpeg

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