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anonymous

Your character: the good, the bad andere the ugly

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Wandering this forum for some time new (though I still feel a bit like a newbie), I've come across of one of the greatest folks ever met. People who are caring, humourous, assiduous and intelligent. People I could call friends, though never seen their real faces or heard their real voices. People I could relate myself to, even, alot.

 

With Zombies being the #1 talk subject, I have actually got an idea of each of one of yours character. While online forum discussions might affect your way of talk a bit, I think I know how you all are. I wonder, however, if that vision is true and more importantly, how you look to your character yourself?

 

I'll start with writing down how I see myself. Notice: Ive never done this before and it feels quite odd actually.

 

- One characterism of my self I am very aware of is that I am kinda...talk-y. I have a talent in talking about the cows and the calves (or whatever that expression is) with everyone, which makes me good in getting along with strangers and making contacts. I got a kinda open character too, which makes me talking about deep and personal stuff with anyone, even those I dont really know well or dont stand close to my heart. The disadvantage of that is that I have hardly any secret, and am have not a mysterious personality in any way. I know alot of people (including myself) like talking about personal stuff with lesser open people, perhaps feel flattered in a way, and so create a special band with them. People dont have that with me. Because I am open to everyone no one feels special when having a deep/personal converstation with me. I hate this characterism for that.

 

- I am kinda naive, optimistic and idealistic about humans. I really think the best of other people, while in many cases they act egoistic, money-focussed and not right (including myself). While I can be easily victimized by this, I also see the world as a less dark place because of this. So while I would like to have this characterism a bit less, I like it as well.

 

-I dunno if this is something common to feel...but sometimes I feel a bit like a narcist. While this is a characterism I despise the most among other people, I notice that when I have done something good I feel like I really want to tell it other people. Also got the feeling very quickly a girl I can get along with likes me, even while I know for sure that is not the case (for example when she already is in love on someone else). I think this is caused by a few cases a couple of years back this feeling got comfirmed, and now I got this feeling very quickly. I hate this fucking characterism the most. I hate it when others have it so can you imagine how much I hate it when I self have it.

 

- I can really sit with something. Right now its the heartbreak but it can be anything really. There was a time it were topics of the zombies story. Just things that occupy my mind the entire time. Cant really concentrate on other things, then.

 

Of course I got way more characterisms, milions of neurons all connected to my brain each one of them turning an effector on or off, creating my spirit. The one I am. Though these items are sone things typically me, when I compare myself to my friends/others.

 

 

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Nice thread idea, Anon. So I will pitch in as well.

For the past 6 years I always have tried to please everyone, because I treat people how I'd like them to treat me and it pretty much worked for that time pretty decently the catch with that though is the fact that I often do not take into concideration what I want. I guess one could say I am a "Yes-sayer" or whatever the english term for it is, I hope you still get what I mean. It also happens that I make a promise or something like it and can't keep it.

 

There is also another reason for me not wanting to step on anyones toes. I always think about what other people think of me and then I often believe that everyone on this planet wants to cut my throat, which is one of the reason, why I have a hard time being social in real life. It is bananas, but that is what I think or what a part of me thinks or wants me to believe.

 

Back in 2013 I started some kind of "school" (I'm just gonna call it a school for simplicitys sake.) At that point it was the first time in 1.5 years I actually had to properly be social and to top it all of I had to take a train ride to get there. I've only been on a train on my own one time before that so I was very stressed early in the morning and had to attend that school as well, with other young folk that had their own set of problems, but it really took it's toll and long story short I ended up in a hospital thanks to a good staff from that school. I got some meds and started to gain some weight again. ( I was at 44.5 Kg.) Thanks to the hospital and the psychologist at the school I learned a lot about myself and my problems, which really helped me and it shaped me to the person I am today.

 

I still have a lot of problems, but I try to make the most out of the cards I have.

 

I have a hard time adapting to all the small and big challenges life throws my way, for example tomorrow I have a doctor's apointment and I am already having a small meltdown about going there, which is why I am so nervous about trying to get into a job. Not to mention that the meds, while they have their purpose, they still kinda slow me down, but I try my best to figure it all out.

 

❤️

I also love how we are somewhat the opposite from each other but in other regards we are the same, @anonymous just looking at your handling of the gender situation a year back or so. That same thing could have happend to me. haha

 

 

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Wish I could take away your feeling people dont like you but I know you know that and it is something psychical rather than a real rational thought. I personally see you as one of the most caring, trustable and wise folks over here. You got a really true character, if you understand me. 

1 hour ago, Lenne said:

for example tomorrow I have a doctor's apointment and I am already having a small meltdown about going there, which is why I am so nervous about trying to get into a job. 

I know very close people having this as well, and I personally can even relate myself a bit to this as well (not for a doctor appointment or work but e.g. like I'm going to see someone and my mind thinks/prepares for that moment the entire week). You must know that in any way you dont need to feel ashamed, posturing or whatever you feel when going to the doctor or psychychologist. They too are there to help you and I think they feel you. And maybe work will help getting your mind of a bit. I dont know, you have to decide yourself. I know you have a strong character, even while you self perhaps dont notice that.

 

Hope things will get better and you know I and many others here are always here to support/talk with you if you want to. 

1 hour ago, Lenne said:

just looking at your handling of the gender situation a year back or so. That same thing could have happend to me. haha

If it weren't for @jiipee95, I would still not have the balls to say Im a boy. I really appreciated your comment on that post. It feels better to hear people can relate theirselves to me, or understand at least.

1 hour ago, Lenne said:

I also love how we are somewhat the opposite from each other but in other regards we are the same, 

We're both psychopaths, thats for sure <3

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14 hours ago, anonymous said:

Also got the feeling very quickly a girl I can get along with likes me, even while I know for sure that is not the case (for example when she already is in love on someone else). I think this is caused by a few cases a couple of years back this feeling got comfirmed, and now I got this feeling very quickly. I hate this fucking characterism the most. I hate it when others have it so can you imagine how much I hate it when I self have it.

 

- I can really sit with something. Right now its the heartbreak but it can be anything really. There was a time it were topics of the zombies story. Just things that occupy my mind the entire time. Cant really concentrate on other things, then.

I get the same impression from any girl who is nice to me all the time. I can never get it out of my head when someone is nice to me like that and it leads me down a mental path that only disappoints me. My self-esteem is so low that I feel anyone who is nice to me just feels bad because I don't have many friends or they are doing it to make fun of me. That's how a lot of people were in my high school and I find it hard to trust anyone who would say nice things about me.

 

8 hours ago, Lenne said:


For the past 6 years I always have tried to please everyone, because I treat people how I'd like them to treat me and it pretty much worked for that time pretty decently the catch with that though is the fact that I often do not take into concideration what I want. I guess one could say I am a "Yes-sayer" or whatever the english term for it is, I hope you still get what I mean. It also happens that I make a promise or something like it and can't keep it.

 

There is also another reason for me not wanting to step on anyones toes. I always think about what other people think of me and then I often believe that everyone on this planet wants to cut my throat, which is one of the reason, why I have a hard time being social in real life. It is bananas, but that is what I think or what a part of me thinks or wants me to believe.

 

That would be a "Yes Man", and I fit this as well. I will bend over backwards to try and make everyone happy and when I fail I find it hard to forgive myself. A lot of times I don't even attempt to make a connection with anyone because I fear I will just let them down and make their life worse.

 

I'm aware that what I think is often irrational, and that I have the capability to socialize but there is something in me that positively will not let me. I genuinely do not know how to connect with people and screw up first impressions. Pretty much none of my interests match up with anyone else's where I am from, and I never have anything to talk about with anyone so people think I am distant and strange, which, yeah, I am. I wish I was better and could have long, long conversations with people. 

 

Something about myself that drags me down is I don't like small talk at all and can't handle it. I can't imagine knowing someone and just talking about what's going on that day or simple things like what I am eating or anything like that. But I do like to talk, just about deeper topics. I could go on for hours analyzing myself and the person with me, talking about what makes us up, the meaning of life, the world around us. When it comes to movies, shows, and games I love to analyze characters and themes of the stories to find some real-life meaning and relatability. No one ever wants to have a first conversation like that, and so I just never do have that type of discussion. It's a reason I can't stand social media, because it is all so shallow.

 

I guess my problem is I know a lot about specific topics, and care a lot about them, and when someone shows no interest in any of them I find it hard to connect. On the internet it is easy to find anyone who likes a specific topic, on forums like these. Youtube gives me video essays on all the movies and games I love, so it's ALMOST like a conversation on those topics. But there's the missing human, real-life connection that brings me down, deeper and deeper in a downward spiral. I've come to accept that there may be no one for me in my home state, but I find myself doubting I could connect with anyone anywhere else either. I lack the motivation required to form a real relationship and I hate myself too much. I don't know how I am supposed to find a job either with that attitude. I have visited a counselor at my University and talked about trying to better my social persona but it feels hopeless.

 

Was just kind of rambling, this thread is a good place to vent and I'm glad you made it. It's nice to see that behind it all, we're all just humans inside.

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12 hours ago, anonymous said:

I personally see you as one of the most caring, trustable and wise folks over here.

Mate thank you. I dunno how to deal with that, but thank you. A while back when good ol Hunter told me that I am a legend and a voice of stability I couldn't help but cry because of it. But it always helps to read such opinions I usually also take a screenshot of it and always look at the kind words people write me, so I at least have something to "defend" myself from all the other shit that is going on in my leaky brain.

@RadZakpak , do you also tend to daydream about being in a relationship with someone else only because he/she smiles at you? I know the struggle, but sadly I have no proper advice for that, cause I am trying to figure that shit out myself. 

Self loathing is a f*cking bitch to be honest. Just know that you make my day a bit brighter whenever you post something. You are one of the very good ones and I hope you figure the things out that matter the most for you.

 

❤️

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@RadZakpak Oh man I can totally see what you mean. I have no experience with it myself, but reading what you just wrote....I totally feel you. And it might probably all just be the tip of the iceberg.

10 hours ago, RadZakpak said:

I lack the motivation required to form a real relationship and I hate myself too much. I don't know how I am supposed to find a job either with that attitude. I have visited a counselor at my University and talked about trying to better my social persona but it feels hopeless.

I think such things will come out of yourself eventually. Life can take strange and unexpected paths, for real. While I am certain there are alot of jobs for how you described yourself, perhaps you could challenge yourself to find something where you got alot of social contact, with a limited group/person. 1 on 1 talks really strengthen a relationship, more than working/doing stuff in a group or working on your own. 

 

I can also totally get you about talking about specific topics. I self find it hard to start subtile about something, or not start about something at all. Thoughout life I've learned that if I want to say something, I better say it as quick as possible because otherwise its in your mind the entire conversation and I cant talk properly. But yeah, to start a conversation it is essensial to begin about other, more broad things, the more ''hey how're you doing'' thingies. When you've never really talked with him/her the even more basic stuff (where are you from, etc). I recently randomly started to talk with some colleagues about stuff like this 

and well...didn't packed out that great. So I got that problem a bit as well, maybe

 

 

I personally always find you the person in which I could recognize myself in. You always say things/opinions I really agree with/could've said as well. I know such guy in offline life as well: He likes real and good conversations. I guess you are such person as well, you might only haven't had that change yet. The type of personality I like to talk with the most.

 

If you would like to chatter, you got me on discord. Might be fun to together watch a movie at the same time and meanwhile talk to each other about it. And there is always space for our beloved @Lenne to drop in if he wants. Just let me know.

 

Better times will come and I am 100% sure you'll find someone in life that understands, likes and then befriends you. Dont say that to sound kind but I am really certain. Despite you hurt yourself, you got an awesome character. Once people know you, they'll know

 

And hey, see the positive things about being on your self too 😉 Enjoy the little things 

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