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anonymous

Your character: the good, the bad andere the ugly

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Wandering this forum for some time new (though I still feel a bit like a newbie), I've come across of one of the greatest folks ever met. People who are caring, humourous, assiduous and intelligent. People I could call friends, though never seen their real faces or heard their real voices. People I could relate myself to, even, alot.

 

With Zombies being the #1 talk subject, I have actually got an idea of each of one of yours character. While online forum discussions might affect your way of talk a bit, I think I know how you all are. I wonder, however, if that vision is true and more importantly, how you look to your character yourself?

 

I'll start with writing down how I see myself. Notice: Ive never done this before and it feels quite odd actually.

 

- One characterism of my self I am very aware of is that I am kinda...talk-y. I have a talent in talking about the cows and the calves (or whatever that expression is) with everyone, which makes me good in getting along with strangers and making contacts. I got a kinda open character too, which makes me talking about deep and personal stuff with anyone, even those I dont really know well or dont stand close to my heart. The disadvantage of that is that I have hardly any secret, and am have not a mysterious personality in any way. I know alot of people (including myself) like talking about personal stuff with lesser open people, perhaps feel flattered in a way, and so create a special band with them. People dont have that with me. Because I am open to everyone no one feels special when having a deep/personal converstation with me. I hate this characterism for that.

 

- I am kinda naive, optimistic and idealistic about humans. I really think the best of other people, while in many cases they act egoistic, money-focussed and not right (including myself). While I can be easily victimized by this, I also see the world as a less dark place because of this. So while I would like to have this characterism a bit less, I like it as well.

 

-I dunno if this is something common to feel...but sometimes I feel a bit like a narcist. While this is a characterism I despise the most among other people, I notice that when I have done something good I feel like I really want to tell it other people. Also got the feeling very quickly a girl I can get along with likes me, even while I know for sure that is not the case (for example when she already is in love on someone else). I think this is caused by a few cases a couple of years back this feeling got comfirmed, and now I got this feeling very quickly. I hate this fucking characterism the most. I hate it when others have it so can you imagine how much I hate it when I self have it.

 

- I can really sit with something. Right now its the heartbreak but it can be anything really. There was a time it were topics of the zombies story. Just things that occupy my mind the entire time. Cant really concentrate on other things, then.

 

Of course I got way more characterisms, milions of neurons all connected to my brain each one of them turning an effector on or off, creating my spirit. The one I am. Though these items are sone things typically me, when I compare myself to my friends/others.

 

 

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Nice thread idea, Anon. So I will pitch in as well.

For the past 6 years I always have tried to please everyone, because I treat people how I'd like them to treat me and it pretty much worked for that time pretty decently the catch with that though is the fact that I often do not take into concideration what I want. I guess one could say I am a "Yes-sayer" or whatever the english term for it is, I hope you still get what I mean. It also happens that I make a promise or something like it and can't keep it.

 

There is also another reason for me not wanting to step on anyones toes. I always think about what other people think of me and then I often believe that everyone on this planet wants to cut my throat, which is one of the reason, why I have a hard time being social in real life. It is bananas, but that is what I think or what a part of me thinks or wants me to believe.

 

Back in 2013 I started some kind of "school" (I'm just gonna call it a school for simplicitys sake.) At that point it was the first time in 1.5 years I actually had to properly be social and to top it all of I had to take a train ride to get there. I've only been on a train on my own one time before that so I was very stressed early in the morning and had to attend that school as well, with other young folk that had their own set of problems, but it really took it's toll and long story short I ended up in a hospital thanks to a good staff from that school. I got some meds and started to gain some weight again. ( I was at 44.5 Kg.) Thanks to the hospital and the psychologist at the school I learned a lot about myself and my problems, which really helped me and it shaped me to the person I am today.

 

I still have a lot of problems, but I try to make the most out of the cards I have.

 

I have a hard time adapting to all the small and big challenges life throws my way, for example tomorrow I have a doctor's apointment and I am already having a small meltdown about going there, which is why I am so nervous about trying to get into a job. Not to mention that the meds, while they have their purpose, they still kinda slow me down, but I try my best to figure it all out.

 

❤️

I also love how we are somewhat the opposite from each other but in other regards we are the same, @anonymous just looking at your handling of the gender situation a year back or so. That same thing could have happend to me. haha

 

 

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Wish I could take away your feeling people dont like you but I know you know that and it is something psychical rather than a real rational thought. I personally see you as one of the most caring, trustable and wise folks over here. You got a really true character, if you understand me. 

1 hour ago, Lenne said:

for example tomorrow I have a doctor's apointment and I am already having a small meltdown about going there, which is why I am so nervous about trying to get into a job. 

I know very close people having this as well, and I personally can even relate myself a bit to this as well (not for a doctor appointment or work but e.g. like I'm going to see someone and my mind thinks/prepares for that moment the entire week). You must know that in any way you dont need to feel ashamed, posturing or whatever you feel when going to the doctor or psychychologist. They too are there to help you and I think they feel you. And maybe work will help getting your mind of a bit. I dont know, you have to decide yourself. I know you have a strong character, even while you self perhaps dont notice that.

 

Hope things will get better and you know I and many others here are always here to support/talk with you if you want to. 

1 hour ago, Lenne said:

just looking at your handling of the gender situation a year back or so. That same thing could have happend to me. haha

If it weren't for @jiipee95, I would still not have the balls to say Im a boy. I really appreciated your comment on that post. It feels better to hear people can relate theirselves to me, or understand at least.

1 hour ago, Lenne said:

I also love how we are somewhat the opposite from each other but in other regards we are the same, 

We're both psychopaths, thats for sure <3

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14 hours ago, anonymous said:

Also got the feeling very quickly a girl I can get along with likes me, even while I know for sure that is not the case (for example when she already is in love on someone else). I think this is caused by a few cases a couple of years back this feeling got comfirmed, and now I got this feeling very quickly. I hate this fucking characterism the most. I hate it when others have it so can you imagine how much I hate it when I self have it.

 

- I can really sit with something. Right now its the heartbreak but it can be anything really. There was a time it were topics of the zombies story. Just things that occupy my mind the entire time. Cant really concentrate on other things, then.

I get the same impression from any girl who is nice to me all the time. I can never get it out of my head when someone is nice to me like that and it leads me down a mental path that only disappoints me. My self-esteem is so low that I feel anyone who is nice to me just feels bad because I don't have many friends or they are doing it to make fun of me. That's how a lot of people were in my high school and I find it hard to trust anyone who would say nice things about me.

 

8 hours ago, Lenne said:


For the past 6 years I always have tried to please everyone, because I treat people how I'd like them to treat me and it pretty much worked for that time pretty decently the catch with that though is the fact that I often do not take into concideration what I want. I guess one could say I am a "Yes-sayer" or whatever the english term for it is, I hope you still get what I mean. It also happens that I make a promise or something like it and can't keep it.

 

There is also another reason for me not wanting to step on anyones toes. I always think about what other people think of me and then I often believe that everyone on this planet wants to cut my throat, which is one of the reason, why I have a hard time being social in real life. It is bananas, but that is what I think or what a part of me thinks or wants me to believe.

 

That would be a "Yes Man", and I fit this as well. I will bend over backwards to try and make everyone happy and when I fail I find it hard to forgive myself. A lot of times I don't even attempt to make a connection with anyone because I fear I will just let them down and make their life worse.

 

I'm aware that what I think is often irrational, and that I have the capability to socialize but there is something in me that positively will not let me. I genuinely do not know how to connect with people and screw up first impressions. Pretty much none of my interests match up with anyone else's where I am from, and I never have anything to talk about with anyone so people think I am distant and strange, which, yeah, I am. I wish I was better and could have long, long conversations with people. 

 

Something about myself that drags me down is I don't like small talk at all and can't handle it. I can't imagine knowing someone and just talking about what's going on that day or simple things like what I am eating or anything like that. But I do like to talk, just about deeper topics. I could go on for hours analyzing myself and the person with me, talking about what makes us up, the meaning of life, the world around us. When it comes to movies, shows, and games I love to analyze characters and themes of the stories to find some real-life meaning and relatability. No one ever wants to have a first conversation like that, and so I just never do have that type of discussion. It's a reason I can't stand social media, because it is all so shallow.

 

I guess my problem is I know a lot about specific topics, and care a lot about them, and when someone shows no interest in any of them I find it hard to connect. On the internet it is easy to find anyone who likes a specific topic, on forums like these. Youtube gives me video essays on all the movies and games I love, so it's ALMOST like a conversation on those topics. But there's the missing human, real-life connection that brings me down, deeper and deeper in a downward spiral. I've come to accept that there may be no one for me in my home state, but I find myself doubting I could connect with anyone anywhere else either. I lack the motivation required to form a real relationship and I hate myself too much. I don't know how I am supposed to find a job either with that attitude. I have visited a counselor at my University and talked about trying to better my social persona but it feels hopeless.

 

Was just kind of rambling, this thread is a good place to vent and I'm glad you made it. It's nice to see that behind it all, we're all just humans inside.

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12 hours ago, anonymous said:

I personally see you as one of the most caring, trustable and wise folks over here.

Mate thank you. I dunno how to deal with that, but thank you. A while back when good ol Hunter told me that I am a legend and a voice of stability I couldn't help but cry because of it. But it always helps to read such opinions I usually also take a screenshot of it and always look at the kind words people write me, so I at least have something to "defend" myself from all the other shit that is going on in my leaky brain.

@RadZakpak , do you also tend to daydream about being in a relationship with someone else only because he/she smiles at you? I know the struggle, but sadly I have no proper advice for that, cause I am trying to figure that shit out myself. 

Self loathing is a f*cking bitch to be honest. Just know that you make my day a bit brighter whenever you post something. You are one of the very good ones and I hope you figure the things out that matter the most for you.

 

❤️

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@RadZakpak Oh man I can totally see what you mean. I have no experience with it myself, but reading what you just wrote....I totally feel you. And it might probably all just be the tip of the iceberg.

10 hours ago, RadZakpak said:

I lack the motivation required to form a real relationship and I hate myself too much. I don't know how I am supposed to find a job either with that attitude. I have visited a counselor at my University and talked about trying to better my social persona but it feels hopeless.

I think such things will come out of yourself eventually. Life can take strange and unexpected paths, for real. While I am certain there are alot of jobs for how you described yourself, perhaps you could challenge yourself to find something where you got alot of social contact, with a limited group/person. 1 on 1 talks really strengthen a relationship, more than working/doing stuff in a group or working on your own. 

 

I can also totally get you about talking about specific topics. I self find it hard to start subtile about something, or not start about something at all. Thoughout life I've learned that if I want to say something, I better say it as quick as possible because otherwise its in your mind the entire conversation and I cant talk properly. But yeah, to start a conversation it is essensial to begin about other, more broad things, the more ''hey how're you doing'' thingies. When you've never really talked with him/her the even more basic stuff (where are you from, etc). I recently randomly started to talk with some colleagues about stuff like this 

and well...didn't packed out that great. So I got that problem a bit as well, maybe

 

 

I personally always find you the person in which I could recognize myself in. You always say things/opinions I really agree with/could've said as well. I know such guy in offline life as well: He likes real and good conversations. I guess you are such person as well, you might only haven't had that change yet. The type of personality I like to talk with the most.

 

If you would like to chatter, you got me on discord. Might be fun to together watch a movie at the same time and meanwhile talk to each other about it. And there is always space for our beloved @Lenne to drop in if he wants. Just let me know.

 

Better times will come and I am 100% sure you'll find someone in life that understands, likes and then befriends you. Dont say that to sound kind but I am really certain. Despite you hurt yourself, you got an awesome character. Once people know you, they'll know

 

And hey, see the positive things about being on your self too 😉 Enjoy the little things 

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18 hours ago, Nina265 said:

Hi, 

I feel all your words !

Appreciated man, and hey, welcome to the site! Hope you like it here 😛 and see you around

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Oh man this was posted a while ago, but reading the things you guys wrote actually made me cry, both because I recognize it myself a lot, and out of sympathy for all your stories. The whole yes-man thing, bending over backwards to please people, and shoving yourself into the background as a result, selfhatred. At the same time it also makes me relieved to a point, because when you've faced the world alone (or felt that you did) you never stop and realize that a lot of people deal or have been dealing with the same issues. I'm also still dealing and struggling with that, among other things. Those other things take kinda long to talk about, but I can kinda summarize it using two words, namely depression and trauma. The other main thing with me just has been not to be a bother to anyone. And I still have a LOT of trouble with this. I used to be so scared of being a bother to people that I just... never really started to develop my personality until about two years ago thanks to therapy, and started to avoid people. This eventually turned into a bad, bad case of selfhatred and... low points. It's not as bad as it has been, and I've made a lot of progress over the last two years!!! But I'm... still scared of people. I'm mostly terrified of angry people, if they're angry at me it's worse. Another "bonus" if it's a man (sorry to all the guys ;^;). ...And if they're drunk it's the worst (to the point of panicking, there's the trauma). But it doesn't even have to be when they're angry. but even still I often just... kinda avoid people??? It's been something that has been ingrained in well, my character I guess.

Reading back what I wrote just now kinda makes me feel like I'm sounding edgy or pretentious, oh man. But at the same time that's a good example of the stuff I'm still struggling with. Just thinking those kinds of things, being scared that I'll be told (or that others will even think) that I'm trying to sound edgy or that I'm cringy or whatever else bad, it's something I'll probably never get rid of, as well as the whole being a bother thing, be it directly or indirectly thinking it. But I have also accepted this (for the most part). I have learned that while I probably can't get rid of it, I CAN learn to live with it. Of course I have my bad days, the days where I fall back into the old ways of thinking and doing, but I'm starting to learn how to deal with it, and to channel it into something better, and to work around it. Step by step. Fumbling steps. But steps nontheless! One step is admitting it (the beginning of this paragraph I mean), for example. It's still hard, but that's what the road to recovery is, right? It's very hard, with many ups and downs. But that's okay.

 

I do hope I'm not unnessecarily tearing open old stuff, but this topic has really moved me. I also want to say thanks to everyone for talking about their problems which might sound weird I guess? But I know how hard it is, and I still think it's brave as hell. Hats off to everyone! I've probably never said it before, I don't think I have, but I'm always astounded by how nice and cool everyone is. Hell, I've never even thanked @anonymous properly for having nominated me to be user of the month once. It still means so much, and I feel like an ass. At the moment I was just really blown away by it, still am. I never really found the right moment to say it until now, and I'm sorry for that. But I still remember it, and it still makes me feel very warm and fuzzy inside. So again, thank you ;v; And well, sorry for being so late with that (I've actually been sitting on it for a very long time).

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36 minutes ago, Steelie said:

The other main thing with me just has been not to be a bother to anyone. And I still have a LOT of trouble with this. I used to be so scared of being a bother to people that I just... never really started to develop my personality until about two years ago thanks to therapy, and started to avoid people. This eventually turned into a bad, bad case of selfhatred and... low points. It's not as bad as it has been, and I've made a lot of progress over the last two years!!! But I'm... still scared of people. I'm mostly terrified of angry people, if they're angry at me it's worse. Another "bonus" if it's a man (sorry to all the guys ;^;). ...And if they're drunk it's the worst (to the point of panicking, there's the trauma). But it doesn't even have to be when they're angry. but even still I often just... kinda avoid people??? It's been something that has been ingrained in well, my character I guess.

I can certainly relate to the self-isolation and the self-hatred. I've always had an intense fear of judgement from everyone around me for every little detail about the way I look and the way I act that is ingrained in my mind and influences every action. Do you feel like your only 'safe space' is your home, alone by yourself? Every hour that I am not at home by myself with my dog I am just counting down the hours until I can finally go back and just... breathe. It doesn't help my anxiety that I am extremely introverted and NEED alone time to recharge. But even when I'm alone there's a sense of self-doubt, regret, and self-loathing with that feeling that I'm not good enough for anyone, or that I will never be successful because I'm a procrastinator and I don't know how to socialize properly. I feel like I've disappointed everyone I love a lot of the time, but I keep pushing back at those thoughts, hoping one day things will change for the better and I can finally... breathe.

 

Thank you for sharing this, I am so happy to hear that things have gotten better for you recently. It really gives me hope to see that there is a chance at things being better overall, with a little persistence. I've considered therapy, and went for a little while, but I found myself poking holes in every solution my therapist would try to give me, and it made me feel worse. Also therapy is too expensive for my current financial situation (Thank you, America).

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2 minutes ago, RadZakpak said:

Do you feel like your only 'safe space' is your home, alone by yourself?

The only spaces I feel like I can truly be myself is either in the car while driving (and grunting/singing), or in other tiny tiny spaces like the toilet (hope that's not TMI). I only noticed this recently, too. I still tend to be really self-conscious even in my own room by my lonesome (I rent a room in a house, so I do live by myself, but still have housemates), but mostly because I don't live in an actual appartment. At least I believe that's it. The walls and floors are thin here, so the housemate who lives below me can hear and feel me walking, and vice versa. I think that until I have a place that's truly mine alone, without any housemates, I'll keep having this. But it sure as hell beats living with my parents still, so no complaints there!

 

7 minutes ago, RadZakpak said:

But even when I'm alone there's a sense of self-doubt, regret, and self-loathing with that feeling that I'm not good enough for anyone, or that I will never be successful because I'm a procrastinator and I don't know how to socialize properly. I feel like I've disappointed everyone I love a lot of the time, but I keep pushing back at those thoughts, hoping one day things will change for the better and I can finally... breathe.

I know exactly the thoughts and feelings you're talking about, friend. And they're the worst. They keep piling up until you feel like your head's gonna explode and you're going crazy. Though it's very good to let them out, contrary to how it may feel. I had to learn this too, and I had a tough time doing so. Really tough. Keep going at it though, with pushing them back!!! It takes a lot of effort and energy to go against automated negative thoughts, and to actively change your thought patterns!!!

 

I don't have much to offer you besides a listening ear and some advice for the things that helped me and were taught to me. If you want it I'll give you some, but I won't force it on you by typing it out here and now. Sometimes advice can make you feel worse because you feel like you'd never be able to do it. But! In the meantime I'm always open to listen, at all times, for everyone, about anything and everything. Of course I totally understand that someone wouldn't wanna talk about these things with complete strangers of course, but some think it helps to talk to someone you don't really know, kinda like talking to a listening wall or blank slate! In any case, I'm still throwing it out there.

 

One thing that's still very much in my character is wanting to help people in any way I can. It's very important to me, not because I feel like I have to or necessarily because it makes me feel better, but mostly because of my own time I've had in therapy. People listened to me for as much as I'd tell them, and treated me well and you know, like human being. They've taught me a lot about a lot of things, and they've made me connect and find my feelings again. I want to do the same for others, and I feel very strongly about this. 

 

25 minutes ago, RadZakpak said:

Thank you for sharing this, I am so happy to hear that things have gotten better for you recently. It really gives me hope to see that there is a chance at things being better overall, with a little persistence. I've considered therapy, and went for a little while, but I found myself poking holes in every solution my therapist would try to give me, and it made me feel worse. Also therapy is too expensive for my current financial situation (Thank you, America).

Therapy can actually be found in lots of things, I've noticed! Talking, crying, singing, just being plain angry at the world, doing sports, writing, drawing, petting your pets, the list doesn't end! I feel like if you keep poking holes in offered solutions the therapist in question doesn't suit you entirely. But there can be lots of factors that count towards it. In any case, I hope you're not beating yourself up over it. And while it is a huge cliche, it's very true. Things will get better if given the time and attention, and effort.

It means a lot to me that I can give others hope, as well ;w;

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17 hours ago, Steelie said:

One thing that's still very much in my character is wanting to help people in any way I can. It's very important to me, not because I feel like I have to or necessarily because it makes me feel better, but mostly because of my own time I've had in therapy.

This says alot about your character. I just....its so unfair that you and Rad struggle with this, because you dont want to harm anyone. That spirit is just so good, and yet sorta punished (with depression or anxiety). I hope you can develop some kind of self-respect, because you are, both, AMAZING people. 

 

(Might have something to do with this and might not, but Rad, when I say something positive about a storybook chapter or thread you posted I feel like I always reply insanely positive. I'm afraid that you think the reason I do so is just...because I always do so or wanna make you happy or something. I want you to know that this is really really not the case, and that every time once again, you astonish me with your great works, and I cannot suppress my feelings. All my replies come straight outta my heart).

 

@Steelie thank you for sharing, my friend. Hope things continue to improve for you.

18 hours ago, Steelie said:

And while it is a huge cliche, it's very true.Things will get better if given the timeand attention, and effort.

. You are both stronger than you think, and you are never alone ❤️

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I wish I could give you folks some proper advice, but truth be told I have no clue about anything important in life and I am trying to figure it out at my own pace. People always say that it is good to know, other folks have the same, similar or worse problems. I dunno if I can relate to that 100 %, cause it pains me that you folks have to deal with your own demons as well, I wouldn't wish these things for anyone else. But at the same time it is good to know, there are people who I get and who get me.

 

I appreciate every single one of you, except for the bot. haha No matter the post count, year of joyining this site or whatever else. You are the reason I open up CoDz first whenever I go online on most days. 🙂

 

❤️

 

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Part of me kind of wishes I saw this post back when it was still active. Only in actively perusing through the forums did I see it. Strange how these types of things end up happening, but... oh well.

 

I think everyone knows a lot more on my character than I would say otherwise. I've done a lot of speaking my thoughts in about enough posts to where I begin wondering just how much is too much. This place has a way of making me throw myself out there a lot, I guess. Maybe I'm just a type for reflections? Ironic how a post I made regards mirrors. Life itself has a weird way of teaching you about yourself. The elements around it just... work, with incredible synchronicity.

 

Ironically I'm easy to anger as well. Passionate if you'd like to put it at that. Bad with rage games, for sure. Black Ops 4's unbalanced MP is going to cost me a controller.

 

...else than that I'm unsure how to dig into myself. I've done an incredible lot of speaking on just what type of person I am. Not on purpose or anything, either, just how it is. :I

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On 6/25/2019 at 11:16 PM, The Meh said:

Part of me kind of wishes I saw this post back when it was still active. Only in actively perusing through the forums did I see it. Strange how these types of things end up happening, but... oh well.

 

I think everyone knows a lot more on my character than I would say otherwise. I've done a lot of speaking my thoughts in about enough posts to where I begin wondering just how much is too much. This place has a way of making me throw myself out there a lot, I guess. Maybe I'm just a type for reflections? Ironic how a post I made regards mirrors. Life itself has a weird way of teaching you about yourself. The elements around it just... work, with incredible synchronicity.

 

Ironically I'm easy to anger as well. Passionate if you'd like to put it at that. Bad with rage games, for sure. Black Ops 4's unbalanced MP is going to cost me a controller.

 

...else than that I'm unsure how to dig into myself. I've done an incredible lot of speaking on just what type of person I am. Not on purpose or anything, either, just how it is. :I

Meh, and I say this with all honesty, you are unmissable to me. You appear to me to be someone who fits with anyone, and is liked by anyone. I feel like you're good and nice to have conversations with, both in a group and private, serious and unserious, and even in the last case you never forget to add some humour  (kinda like Peter McCain in the Storybook). Furthermore you always take guilt on yourself, say you aren't perfect and you are absolutely not arrogant (unlike me, sometimes), which is a characterism I am very fund on. You, just like Radzakpak, always say exactly what I would say or I would agree with, though I mostly fail in correctly formulating a sentence. Just like this comment, haha. If you were my neighbour, you could expect me every day at your door to drink a cup of coffee with you.

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