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Jolteon

The Day I Was Raped: Facing My Ultimate Fear.

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CoDz,

Today, I am going to tell you all about the worst day of my life. It is something that even until this day I have feared letting anybody know whatsoever; to the point where only my closest friends have any idea, and only to a very brief extent. Even as I type my hands are shaking with as they come to the realisation that I am moving toward revealing my darkest, most horrifying secret; a secret that has kept me living in fear and despair every day of my life. Today I am going to tell you about the day I was raped.

[WARNING]: Due to the nature of the topic, it is to be expected that this thread is not for the faint hearted. Please proceed with caution.

So... Where to begin? Well, a little back story. I've already told the story of my depression; how I was alienated from the rest of school, isolated and alone. I had just one friend who I trusted with every fibre of my body. She was my rock. So, it was 2010, I was 15 years old, and at a point in my life where I could just about get through each day without too much difficulty. I had my rock alongside me every step of the way and the days were bearable.

However, as you can probably guess, things took a turn for the worse. My friend, who of course will remain unnamed, began to develop symptoms of Schizophrenia and Multiple Personality Disorder. For those of you unaware of these symptoms, effectively this friend would have regular "episodes" in which she would change into a seperate personality within herself. Somtimes it would be shadows of herself, for example she would revert back to herself at 12 years old quite regularly. Other times it would be completely seperate personalities that had a complete mind of their own. It is something that would ordinarily be hugely damaging for the individual suffering and for their friends and family; however she refused to tell anybody about it, and managed to contain the "episodes" to when she was only in my company.

Naturally, me being the over-caring individual I am, I did everything in my power to make sure she was safe and comfortable at all times whenever I could. For a while I had things under relative control; the seperate personalites began to get to know me and, although in a very complicated way, it started to become routine for me. Get up, go to school, care for my friend, and live my life like that. It wasn't the worst existance, and it felt good being able to care for my friend like she had cared for me for so long previously.

So, here is where things take a turn for the worse. After a few weeks, maybe a month of the same routine, I began to notice a change in the patern of the "episodes". The past regression stopped completely and the personalities began to fade away, bringing in a new, dominant personality. I tried getting to know this personality like I had the others in the past. However, as I stated previously, this personality was dominant, and it was full of hatred. Every time she appeared, which gradually grew more and more often, it was a period of abuse against me, both verbal and physical. It was nothing more than hissing and spitting and it was once again a bearable situation. Not ideal; but bearable.

Until one day. The worst day of my life. It seemed like any other day. I woke up. I went to school. Had an averagely crap day as normal, I went back to my house with my friend. We were in my room casually watching TV when I noticed what appeared to be the start of one of her "episodes" again. Out came the dominant personality, and there started the usual abuse and hatred I was used to.

Then suddenly she stopped. She turned to me with the most evil smile I have ever seen. Not a smile of happiness or laughter; a smile of pure evil. She pinned me to the bed. Tried to undress me. Of course I attempted to stop her, but she leaned over me, whispered in my ear. She told me if I didn't do exactly what she wanted she would throw my only and closest friend under a bus. Off a building. Somewhere that would kill her. And, as the title suggests, she proceeded to rape me whilst I was helpless to resist. My best friend. The person I had trusted with my life. I was barely 15.

So why do I bring this up today? Today holds no particular significance other than the fact that I am sick and tired of being haunted by all of this. It is something that to this day I have not been able to get over. Not a day goes by where I don't shed a tear. But I don't want to be haunted anymore; and the first step to acceptance, is honesty. And so I come here, the place that once helped me through my depression, the place that I believe will understand the most.

I frequently see on the TV, online, in newspapers, stories of women that have been raped. It is of course tragic, and from personal experience I can tell you it is the worse ordeal for anyone to go through. However, the reaction has always upset me. People will take it upon themselves to condemn every man for being "sick and twisted" or for "using women". What has always upset me is the lack of any sort of care for the male victims of rape. Because it DOES happen. And it is just as soul destroying for a male as it is for a female.

Coming clean about all of this is just about the scariest thing I have ever done. The ordeal has affected me and my life immensely, and to have it all laid out for the world to see is something that scares me beyond anything I have ever experienced before in my life. But it needs to be done. It is time I told the world, aknowldged my past, let go of my pain. It is time for acceptance.

My name is Kieran, aka Dark Jolteon; and I am a victim of rape.

Thank you.

-Jolteon

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Kieran, you are one of my best friends in the whole world, and I am so freaking proud of you for making this thread. Now the pain will begin to heal.

Everyone: this is a must read, a huge issue in today's society, and acceptance is indeed the first step.

The wounds will now heal. You are the bravest man I have ever known. I love you man.

Paolo~

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Wow man.Your brave to post this my friend.Not many would.May I ask what happened to her?

And its sad that all that had to happen Bro :| I dont know what else to say,other than you are the King of deep thought.Now and forever.Sorry if my response did'nt sound right.thanks for sharing this Jolt.

^^I forward this Eye.

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my friend,you are a hero to me. you faced the darkness when you were raped and what came after it. you were brave enough to come out with a dark sercet. dealing with rape is differcult. i cannot think of what horrors you faced during these dark days. let go of the past,and the future will be easier. but that is easier said then done. and you are just starting the process. you are a hero. i am lucky to live in a small town where its rare to see an outsider,but my uncle's daughter wasnt so fornunate. she was raped by a corrupt bishop. she later hung herself,which would cause my uncle to be an atheist. but this thread is about rape,so my point is you must deal with rape and get help from people you trust. joltoen,i want you to know we will help you through this. we are your friends.

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You are a strong man, Kieran. And that's not any bull either - in fact, you're stronger than a whole lot of us. I can see that it's such a difficult topic to discuss upon because of the trauma and fear and anguish that was felt from the incident. And from friendo to friendo, I want to tell you that you have this gigantic family known as CoDz to get you through it all. I can actually feel my insides splitting little by little because...well, I honestly would have never guessed for this to happen to you.

Screw what the statistics say, and screw the hypocritical people as well. You had to endure a painful moment then and you still feel that torment lingering inside. But guess what? Now you have a place where the people that you say are your closest friends are - and always will be - there for you. It takes monumental courage to speak out about what had occurred to you, and that alone probably makes you more of a man and braver than any of us here.

No more pain and sadness for you, dear friendo. You are home. We're always here for you.

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I wish I had your bravery and courage. Don't think I could tell anyone if that occurred to me. :/

I'm not really sure what to say. I hope you will be okay and your friend too. :(

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Wow man.Your brave to post this my friend.Not many would.May I ask what happened to her?

And its sad that all that had to happen Bro :| I dont know what else to say,other than you are the King of deep thought.Now and forever.Sorry if my response did'nt sound right.thanks for sharing this Jolt.

^^I forward this Eye.

She recovered from the problems and is now at University studying Mathematics. Despite everything I stuck by her and she pulled through. It's an odd thing to say but saving her is one of my greatest life achievements. She is alive and successful thanks to me; and I'm proud of that fact.

Thank you everyone else for your kind words. It's taken three years of fear and silence, but I'm glad I was honest and faced my fear.

-Jolteon

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Wow, man. Wow. I can't even begin... wow. The double standard of sexual abuse in today's society is sickening. I'm sorry this happened to you, Kieran, but acceptance is, indeed, the first step. You are so strong and I'm so proud to call you a friend of mine.

Just keep swimming, my man.

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I have nothing to say other than… I'm sorry man.

You're stronger than all of us.

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Hey Kieran,

You are very strong and even if we do not know each other very well (yet) -

I have the utmost respect for people like you who are able tell such painful, difficult personal experiences to others.

I can't possibly imagine what you've been going through in the past three years of silence, but like others and you yourself have said: Acceptance is the first step, it'll only get better from now on.

And I'm glad to say that you, Kieran, not only faced your ultimate fear. But conquered it. Tiumphed over it.

Always remember that you're not alone against the various challenges life presents to you. You're a wonderful, handsome person with beautiful and amazing friends all around you who are always willing to help you out however way they can.

Please, consider me now one of them.

Wishing you all the best of everything,

- Heather

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Wow man.Your brave to post this my friend.Not many would.May I ask what happened to her?

And its sad that all that had to happen Bro :| I dont know what else to say,other than you are the King of deep thought.Now and forever.Sorry if my response did'nt sound right.thanks for sharing this Jolt.

^^I forward this Eye.

She recovered from the problems and is now at University studying Mathematics. Despite everything I stuck by her and she pulled through. It's an odd thing to say but saving her is one of my greatest life achievements. She is alive and successful thanks to me; and I'm proud of that fact.

Thank you everyone else for your kind words. It's taken three years of fear and silence, but I'm glad I was honest and faced my fear.

-Jolteon

I too am glad you faced it.Good job Jolt.And you should be proud!

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I'm not really sure what to say. Obviously you know more about it than I, so feel free to disregard anything I say if I'm wrong.

From what you said, it seems to me she was not her. And I don't mean that metaphorically, I mean it literally. It wasn't your friend who did it to you. Multiple personalities. It was someone else who shared her body, but it wasn't her. Some people have an evil side to her. Some comics have evil doppelgangers. Well she happened to have the evil within her personified. (I'm not saying she's evil, practically the opposite, that the evil left her into a being of its own.) I imagine I would take comfort in that. As terrible as the experience was, you can blame someone. You can hate someone. You don't have to have conflict. You can hate the Evil, but you can appreciate your friend. You don't have to hang around her anymore. It is completely understandable, for what she contains. An analogy to a video game: It is much easier to hate the villain when it is pure evil, as opposed to an anti-hero or anti-villain.

Like I said, if I'm wrong, please disregard, but perhaps it is a way of looking at things that might bring you comfort. I apologize if I failed.

EDIT: As for society's gender bias... yeah... I normally don't care for what society thinks of gender. I think as a whole we all "ask for it", male or female. But this... who asked for this?!

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I apologize for my previous comment, to anyone found inappropriate and/or offensive; especially to Jolty.

No one goes through life without fear, regrets, and skeletons. Until you are ready to move past it and laugh about it, you will continue to bow in defeat to any mental bullies.

It may take many more years, it may never move past you. But the negative feelings you have can only be defeated by you.

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Awards

So I posted a video about the ordeal; it creates a much more powerful image of the situation and offers advice for anyone that finds themselves in a similar place. Would love if you guys would check it out because I believe the world needs to hear this message. Tell you friends, your family, your pets and your zombies to watch. We want it viral. (I'm not even kidding).

l-DVCz-pKpY

I apologize for my previous comment, to anyone found inappropriate and/or offensive; especially to Jolty.

No worries Jay, I laughed at your comment, it was just a little inapropriate :lol:

-Jolteon

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I can't wrap my mind around that disease. Does each personality have it's own memories? Because if not, you would have been able to resist... But did she become physically stronger? This topic really confuses me. But otherwise, I'm terribly sorry that this happened. And I'm glad you're getting over it. You are a perfect role model for people in your situation.

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I can't wrap my mind around that disease. Does each personality have it's own memories? Because if not, you would have been able to resist... But did she become physically stronger? This topic really confuses me. But otherwise, I'm terribly sorry that this happened. And I'm glad you're getting over it. You are a perfect role model for people in your situation.

I believe that the personality that took over said it would kill his best friend if he resisted.His best friend=actual her.Kill herself.Thats how i understood it,hope Im not giving false information.If so I apologize.

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I can't wrap my mind around that disease. Does each personality have it's own memories? Because if not, you would have been able to resist... But did she become physically stronger? This topic really confuses me. But otherwise, I'm terribly sorry that this happened. And I'm glad you're getting over it. You are a perfect role model for people in your situation.

I believe that the personality that took over said it would kill his best friend if he resisted.His best friend=actual her.Kill herself.Thats how i understood it,hope Im not giving false information.If so I apologize.

Yeah, that's what I thuought . I'm sure we don't know much of this disease at this point.

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If you ever need somebody to talk to I'm always available. I'm sure I could help you out and I would like to in any way I can. We're not exactly the best of friends here, but I really care about you. I pride myself in my ability to make people feel better. So drop me a PM, or give me a call any time. I'll be back on Skype soon enough.

I almost admitted to one of my "demons" here the other day , but I backed out at the last minute. I'm so proud of you for having the courage to face your greatest fear head-on. I love you man.

Stay Classy,

-EJ.

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I almost admitted to one of my "demons" here the other day , but I backed out at the last minute.

Stay Classy,

-EJ.

Do tell. ;)

I mean,I already know some things I think you shared in chicken sandwiches.

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